Being real often sucks, thanks to awful pretentious people...

I just can't stand pretentious, boasty, selfish people! I can't say it enough!

I know it's been months now since I wrote in my blog, due to the bullshit I had to put up with, thanks to selfish people, idiots, subhumans & just being busy with work...at least my job is a positive experience from me & it does help me take my mind off the shitfaced losers of society I see in everyday life...

I find honestly, it's the pretentious, "well educated", "well adjusted", "well travelled" people, or should I say, LOSERS, who are so full of themselves, so full of shit, who get all the so called positive interactions, interest, love & attention from people...it's like I am a REAL, AUTHENTIC person & what one sees is what they get, so FUCKING LIVE WITH IT!!

I often pay a high price for being myself, for giving of myself, giving to my friends all with sincerity & compassion & all I get is attitude or being left alone, ignored & put down for being kind, vs not being "well educated", "well adjusted" or "well travelled"...excuse me for being myself & for "living", though it often feels like I am not living at all...I am just existing for the sake of nothing, though it seems...it's like I try hard to fit in, to be positive, to bring aliveness to the room, to the conversations & yet, I am the one feeling & being excluded, treated like shit, "the boring one"...left alone, to suffer in silence crying deeply inside, choking on my tears, while these fucking pretentious losers/idiots laugh out loud, often at my expense & therefore, never take into consideration, MY feelings...my problem is I am too giving of others when I am in their presence, too kind, too forgiving & where does it get me?? NOWHERE....I am feeling like I don't want to be "Now Here"...what's the point??

I see these pretentious, well educated, backstabbing fuckheads getting in my way, getting all the positive attention from others I want to get it from & I am always left getting the shitty end of the stick...I'd love to take that shitty end of the stick, put it far up their ass & then in their mouths & make them suffer for eternity, the way I always suffer...to see how they like that...then they'd know what it feels like to be me...being me is often a lonely experience & no matter what I do, say, express to others, how I feel, what I try to bring to a group, I am grief stricken, lonely, left out, having emotional leprocy to the point where I feel I am being abused & tortured again & again repeatedly...it's like these fucking assholes enjoy making me lonely, suffer & often get the good stuff in life that I am often lacking to the point where I wish I was never born...after all, I never asked to be...I never asked to be brought into an awful, torturous family, where I was never loved or cared for or taken into any consideration...everyday of my life, I am reminded of this & my soul bleeds, as the sharpness of the razor blades of these pretentious fuckheads cut me deeply, not caring about me or my feelings...I often think of suicide, then that way, my pain will be final & my existence will be no more...I will be at peace...at least I hope...I just want to one day & consistently, feel good about being myself & living in my own soul & body & to feel genuine acceptance from myself & others & not be so reminded of the horrors of my childhood, teenage & adult life so far...I long to have a mended heart, a loving group of friends & to really feel like I matter to others, like I belong, instead of people lying to me & pretending to be my friends...I see through their bullshit, so they are not my friends, only acquaintances most of them & alot of them are pretentious bullshitters, who are not worth my time & they never give me their time...I wish it was their turn to suffer, like I suffer, I believe in an eye for an eye...or for someone to give them a black eye! LOL